Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize