when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
