I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
