alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
