I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
