HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
