I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
