Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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