One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
