That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
