i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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