All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
