We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
