There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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