He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
