I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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