Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize