My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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