I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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