apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
