I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm too high and old for this...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
