Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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