its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
