i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
