fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
