For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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