3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
