Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
