Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
