Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I haven't been this sober since birth.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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