I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
