I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
