too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
