Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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