I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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