The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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