i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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