just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Did I show you my penis last night?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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