My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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