She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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