I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
