The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
