hotel room ftw
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
