Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
