Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
