I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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