fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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