he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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