Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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