According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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