If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
