I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
