The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
