What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
