she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
is wine microwaveable?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
