We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
