If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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